Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Just for Brittany

so.....hi. it's been too long, way too long. i could give you a myriad of excuses but i'll save the bore and just start anew. what i learned is this - promising to blog every day is ridiculous. it won't happen. i want it to. i think of things to say through out the day and when it comes right down to it, i won't sit and share. sorry. i can't promise anything, and especially not this. it goes back to the whole let your yes be yes, and your no be no thing. i'm learning. it's important.

over the last few months i went through a time of deep inner privacy of digging. i was looking at the challenge of forgiveness and what it meant to have to forgive. some days it shut me down and others i dug into others to see what i might find. here's what i learned.

- forgiveness can be very difficult. not because it is, but because in my human selfish mind, i make it that way. hopefully the Father doesn't sit up in Heaven going, "i just don't know! i'm just not sure. what if they do it again?!" can you imagine if He did that like i do?!

- holding onto something is a lot more tiring than forgiving

- forgiving is cleansing

- forgiveness can't be taken back. i can not choose to forgive someone, and then the next day decide to un-forgive. imagine if Jesus did that to us.........YIKES

-forgiveness is a gift - and i can not be an indian-giver

- forgiveness is a command of the Lord.

- forgiveness is intimate. my digging forced me to search very deep, and think very hard about why i treated certain people in my life the way i did. and what exactly caused me to change my core of thinking and emotion in the very moment the wrong was done to me. i don't think anyone is aware of disconnect we can have with our very own mind and emotions, and the things we'll shove into the corners of our minds, and ignore the ugly mess. but the cleaning out promise is deep, and very necessary.

forgiveness and intimacy. two challenges. i'm working on them. fighting for them because i deserve both.

i'm headed down a different sort of path. seeking direction for my life and stirring up the desire to learn again. we'll see where we land and what we learn.

peace and love.

1 comment:

  1. You are awesome. And I love you. And, believe it or not, I needed to hear this, and I'm going to keep thinking about this for awhile.

    So thanks! --For sharing, for speaking what's been on that mind of yours, and for dedicating it to me--hehe.

    I patiently look forward to future blogs on your own timing :)