Wednesday, January 19, 2011

tick. tock. tick. tock

first, you should know this about me. i HATE, HATE, HATE clocks that tick. HATE THEM. they cause my insides to cringe and i feel as though my entire body is trying to set itself to the "beat" of the clock. its very painful. it's very distracting. hate them.

so. yesterday, i go to get my hair cut. and while i'm there i also buy a very cute watch from hair cutter-extraordinaire. this watch is very cute. i get back to my office around lunch time and am blogging (i know what you're thinking, your wasting time! hello, i know). anyway. while blogging i realize this watch ticks so loud that its echoing in the metal casing its in. it is L-O-U-D! and painful! and more than annoying. so, as a result, i sit with my arm behind my chair the rest of the day. i really did, it's that annoying too.

that brings me to today. once again, i'm farting around on the internet for a while, and then decide to import the video announcement footage to my iMovie to begin editing. i click on the camera import button, and instead of the computer realizing i have one connected to it, it pulls up my laptop camera and i see this message behind me:

in case you can't read it says, "undisciplined time will always flow toward weakness." the quote you see is from my pastor. he said that a few weeks ago in his sunday morning message. this is where my whole time revelation came from.

not only is the watch a constant reminder of my time passing me by, but i have this too. the Lord is clearly trying to teach me something. rearrange me in a way. in fact, He wrote it on my wall...which is something we all wish that He would do every now and then, right? have you ever said, "God, i need answer. i think i know the answer, but if you could just leave me a message somewhere for me to see, that would be awesome. like leave me a note or write it in the sky?" well i got one on a calendar/dry erase board - turned message board.

no, i will not be taking my very irritating watch back. and no, i won't be erasing that board any time soon. and i'm very grateful for the very tough lesson being learned.

peace and love.

Monday, January 17, 2011

fly by.

it was a foggy day here in fort worth yesterday...cold (not frigid, just cold), dark, damp, and still. yes, still. i have a lot of feelings about foggy, wet rainy days. for the most part, i don’t care for them. my joints hurt and i want to just stay in my bed where its warm and comfy. and i can’t. its fairly irritating.

anyway. so while this very still day is happening, i am reminded of a lot times that have passed me by and time i let fly by, with nothing to show for it. it started with how fast my morning at work went. for me it was work, for 800 other people, it was church. when i got home and walked through the garage, i started to stop, look back at my car and wonder, “what just happened?” it was very strange. it was like the morning came and went, with no warning. and after lunch, we all stopped for a quiet rest time...except for jaxson (and here’s where this whole time thing began to unravel). i was laying on the couch fixing to doze off and he started to talk to me about the video game he was playing. i had no idea what he was talking about, but i couldn’t help but feel a little sad that my 4 year old - very-close-to-being-5-year-old buddy was growing up WAY too fast. and then i thought of sweet little parker-boo that a year ago was just so itty-bitty and is now a walking, super cute chunky monkey. and then jeremy and kimber came over and i was reminded of their wedding last june, and my sisters wedding in july, and all that the two couples are accomplishing since their union. it’s A-MAZING to watch. and then there’s the holidays, and opportunities, and....all of these wonderful memories just went flying by in my head, followed by the silent reminders of all i have ever wanted to do, and haven’t. things i made excuses for not accomplishing. and on the inside i had to scream, “STOP!”

i can’t tell you if its change that intimidates me the most or time in general. i have all these hopes and dreams and desires and passions and i frantically beg the Lord to bring them about some how, some way. throwing the typical, “but of course, only if it’s Your will.” blah.

but my thoughts led me to our greatest example of how life should be lived and time should be spent. Jesus. now i can honestly tell you i have not read the Bible all the way through. and i can say that i haven’t read the new testament in its entirety. but what i have read about Jesus and His life here on our planet was that His time was spent wisely. He didn’t sit at the well with the woman, and all of a sudden jump up frantically and say, “holy cow, look at the time! i was supposed to be with ‘the guys’ 15 minutes ago. CRAP!” and run off. He also never went to pray and told the Father, “i over slept today, we’ll try this whole prayer thing tomorrow.” nope. everything He did was intentional, deliberate, and time spent wisely.

i say ALL of that to say this. i made a list of new years resolutions. for the first time EVER. they were all prayerfully chosen and very intentional. but one of the things that the Lord is speaking to me about is my time. i’m terrible at it. i snooze my alarm from anywhere to 15-45 minutes every morning. i can say i’m almost done, or packing up to leave work or anywhere else, and two hours will go by. not only frustrating to me, but frustrating to others as well. i get lost in creative thought and lose half a day at work. i have a list in my head at the beginning of the day of all the things i’m going to do with my free time, and at whatever late hour i decide to go to bed i realized i’ve gotten nothing done. and the list goes on.

Lord, help me to live with intention, and for wisdom to come in time.