snow.day

who wouldn't want to spend the whole day with that little face?

i absolutely love unexpected days off. off from alarms, rushing, traffic, work, making my bed, e.mails, office phones, all things ordinary.

i am thoroughly enjoying the peace and serenity, the warmth in my heart and in the house, the late cups of coffee and the smell of home made cookies.

there will be crafting, baking, creating, giggles and playing in the snow.

all through out the day i've prayed for my own home i'll have some day. i stood in the doorway and snapped a few pics of jaxson running through the snow, i even secretly and silently prayed for my own children i hope to have some day. and my heart sang.

happy snow day everyone.

tick. tock. tick. tock

first, you should know this about me. i HATE, HATE, HATE clocks that tick. HATE THEM. they cause my insides to cringe and i feel as though my entire body is trying to set itself to the "beat" of the clock. its very painful. it's very distracting. hate them.

so. yesterday, i go to get my hair cut. and while i'm there i also buy a very cute watch from hair cutter-extraordinaire. this watch is very cute. i get back to my office around lunch time and am blogging (i know what you're thinking, your wasting time! hello, i know). anyway. while blogging i realize this watch ticks so loud that its echoing in the metal casing its in. it is L-O-U-D! and painful! and more than annoying. so, as a result, i sit with my arm behind my chair the rest of the day. i really did, it's that annoying too.

that brings me to today. once again, i'm farting around on the internet for a while, and then decide to import the video announcement footage to my iMovie to begin editing. i click on the camera import button, and instead of the computer realizing i have one connected to it, it pulls up my laptop camera and i see this message behind me:



in case you can't read it says, "undisciplined time will always flow toward weakness." the quote you see is from my pastor. he said that a few weeks ago in his sunday morning message. this is where my whole time revelation came from.

not only is the watch a constant reminder of my time passing me by, but i have this too. the Lord is clearly trying to teach me something. rearrange me in a way. in fact, He wrote it on my wall...which is something we all wish that He would do every now and then, right? have you ever said, "God, i need answer. i think i know the answer, but if you could just leave me a message somewhere for me to see, that would be awesome. like leave me a note or write it in the sky?" well i got one on a calendar/dry erase board - turned message board.

no, i will not be taking my very irritating watch back. and no, i won't be erasing that board any time soon. and i'm very grateful for the very tough lesson being learned.

peace and love.

fly by.

it was a foggy day here in fort worth yesterday...cold (not frigid, just cold), dark, damp, and still. yes, still. i have a lot of feelings about foggy, wet rainy days. for the most part, i don’t care for them. my joints hurt and i want to just stay in my bed where its warm and comfy. and i can’t. its fairly irritating.

anyway. so while this very still day is happening, i am reminded of a lot times that have passed me by and time i let fly by, with nothing to show for it. it started with how fast my morning at work went. for me it was work, for 800 other people, it was church. when i got home and walked through the garage, i started to stop, look back at my car and wonder, “what just happened?” it was very strange. it was like the morning came and went, with no warning. and after lunch, we all stopped for a quiet rest time...except for jaxson (and here’s where this whole time thing began to unravel). i was laying on the couch fixing to doze off and he started to talk to me about the video game he was playing. i had no idea what he was talking about, but i couldn’t help but feel a little sad that my 4 year old - very-close-to-being-5-year-old buddy was growing up WAY too fast. and then i thought of sweet little parker-boo that a year ago was just so itty-bitty and is now a walking, super cute chunky monkey. and then jeremy and kimber came over and i was reminded of their wedding last june, and my sisters wedding in july, and all that the two couples are accomplishing since their union. it’s A-MAZING to watch. and then there’s the holidays, and opportunities, and....all of these wonderful memories just went flying by in my head, followed by the silent reminders of all i have ever wanted to do, and haven’t. things i made excuses for not accomplishing. and on the inside i had to scream, “STOP!”

i can’t tell you if its change that intimidates me the most or time in general. i have all these hopes and dreams and desires and passions and i frantically beg the Lord to bring them about some how, some way. throwing the typical, “but of course, only if it’s Your will.” blah.

but my thoughts led me to our greatest example of how life should be lived and time should be spent. Jesus. now i can honestly tell you i have not read the Bible all the way through. and i can say that i haven’t read the new testament in its entirety. but what i have read about Jesus and His life here on our planet was that His time was spent wisely. He didn’t sit at the well with the woman, and all of a sudden jump up frantically and say, “holy cow, look at the time! i was supposed to be with ‘the guys’ 15 minutes ago. CRAP!” and run off. He also never went to pray and told the Father, “i over slept today, we’ll try this whole prayer thing tomorrow.” nope. everything He did was intentional, deliberate, and time spent wisely.

i say ALL of that to say this. i made a list of new years resolutions. for the first time EVER. they were all prayerfully chosen and very intentional. but one of the things that the Lord is speaking to me about is my time. i’m terrible at it. i snooze my alarm from anywhere to 15-45 minutes every morning. i can say i’m almost done, or packing up to leave work or anywhere else, and two hours will go by. not only frustrating to me, but frustrating to others as well. i get lost in creative thought and lose half a day at work. i have a list in my head at the beginning of the day of all the things i’m going to do with my free time, and at whatever late hour i decide to go to bed i realized i’ve gotten nothing done. and the list goes on.

Lord, help me to live with intention, and for wisdom to come in time.

peace.

The Galaxy

have you ever played super mario brothers galaxy 2...with a four year old? well, it can definitely be a lot of fun and really really frustrating.

it is one thing that i love to do with my buddy jaxson. he calls them, "bideo games"

tonight, was quite the interesting evening of gaming together because the Lord spoke this to me.

ready? k.

jaxson plays first player on the game because i am not skilled enough with both remotes and the game makes me dizzy to be quite honest. he's much better than i am. you can laugh, but its the truth. i play the second player which is actually just a little orange star that helps out mario. sad, but true.

so, tonight we're trying to get to some place in this new world and he just can't do it. and i get BEYOND frustrated with him because if he would just hand over the first player remote i could do it myself and get us to the next level.

then God whispers in my ear, "NO YOU CAN'T. isn't this a little like our relationship? you say 'dear God, i trust you, here's my life.' and five minutes later you're taking the remote away from me thinkin' you can do it yourself. frustrating isn't it?"

ouch! but oh so true.

ya. let it soak in.

don't we all do that? life (and mario brothers ;)) would be so much easier if we would just give full trust to Lord and just sit back and let Him get us there.

love you. peace.

waking up with purpose

welcome back.

i feel as though this post could be a little scattered, but i hope you can see my heart and i can somehow really portray what the Lord is showing me.

i've been really researching church lately. by that i mean things like a)the acts 2 church, b)who was church for, c)whatdoes churchcost us as believers, d)what's expected of me as a church goer e)what is a christian anyway?

so much confusion.

and then in the midst of all that i find that i'm exceptionally selfish. i like my time and my way of doing it, and my things, and i want it this way and that way, and i find myself completely frustrated when it doesn't go my way. all the while saying, "God's in control."

what a joke.

so. i dug in. i read the Word and i read A LOT about what other people and churches are doing. i have my favorites but i branch off into other sites and blogs and really try and find out what people are saying these days about church. i listen to messages of people i've never met and dissect what they're saying. and i've found one that really has my attention.

her name is charlotte gambill and, to me, what she has to say is fantastic (read all about her if you'd like. i must move on). i've listened to four of her messages in the last 6 days. and 3 of them over and over. we can talk about all the others another time, but tonight i am just going to talk about one.

it has to do with a shopping trolley. now, to us americans, we'd call that a shopping cart. but since she's from england, we'll call it a trolley. in this message she talks about you and me and the church. she states that church is not about you and me (which i happen to agree with) and how wrong we are for believing its about you and me. and we have these ideas about what it should look like, and how things are to run and what we do and how we do it. and we never follow through.

she makes the example of going to the grocery store on a budget. and how every week we have this certain amount we are willing to spend. and then one week, you take your kids or husband with you to the store. and when you're not looking, they slip things into your trolley. so at the check out instead of the $25 you normally spend, now there's a tab of $100 and we FREAK OUT. how did all of that get in there!?!?!? we then must evaluate what we are willing to spend (mrs. gambill goes on about other great things pertaining to this trolley but i'm going to focus on this part...me).

i have my job and i go to church and i come home and play video games and i lay by the pool and i sit on the couch and i stay up late on facebook for no reason and i play this stupid game on my phone and... whew, am i busy! i have time for nothing and no one!

i'm sure you're going...wow amber, that's really not very much. and as of this week, i'm going to have agree with you. its nothing that matters anyway. i have my shopping trolley full of nothing that matters. nothing is in there that costs' me something!

what am i doing in my church and in my community that is actually costing me something? am i being "THE CHURCH?" am i showing the people i come in contact with - anywhere and everywhere - that my God is really worth serving? do i show them who He is? do i just complain that its too hard, and its draining and people drive me crazy and i don't want to spend time with the youth kids - they're weird! and i don't want to spend time with the unloved. that would be too hard!

i, personally, am SURROUNDED by people that love me and show me continually that they do. and i love all of those people in return.

but what if i or we, all of us who have lots and lots love, would love on those who don't? how much would it really cost me to put something else in my shopping trolley? can i remove things to add a few things to really show people the love of Christ? to really show them the church? He was surrounded by people all the time while He was on this earth. He went where no one else did and He hung out with people you and i would not hang out with.

yes, Jesus. the Saviour. the Creator of the world!

this is what my trolley is full of right now -

me (pretend it looks like me). and i'm in control.

here's one i'd like to find -

de-lish! haha! jk.

here's the one i should start with.

i also believe that this pertains to my job. i asked for this task to be put in my trolley. i begged God for this job. seriously begged Him. and He gave it to me. He equipped me and set me on my path. He didn't have to give it to me, but He did. and i complain all the time! here's what i realized -

i can single handedly reach more people by what they see than most of our staff and pastors combined with the tools that i have.

YOWZA!

i have control of the internet, videos, images, content, etc. you name a piece of media, and it comes from the same two hands typing these words. pretty crazy. and i murmur all the time..."it's too hard, i'm too tired, i just want to be taking pictures somewhere, boo hoo hoo!" i'm sure God's going, "shut up! you asked for it!" and i did.

so, i will shut up about it and do what i can with the tools i have been given and trolley space i have.

HE has made me able. and HE has allowed for this time in my life. what am i going to do with the right now? forget about the future. all i have is this moment.

what about you. what has He allowed for your life and who can you reach?

peace.

A 21 Day Re-Cap

hi. its been a long time. i've been hiding in my thoughts, and hiding them from any one who might be reading. but here we go.

three weeks and two days ago Cristie and i began a 21 day fast. we chose the daniel fast. we fasted for LOTS of reasons. ask her about hers some time, but i'll share mine.

1. my eating habits were W-A-Y out of control. beside weight gain and clothing not fitting correctly, i felt bad and just flat out didn't care. i am unable to "diet" without cheating, so i choose fasting to set my eating back on track. because most of the time, the reason my eating is way off track, is because my heart and mind are as well.

2. direction. i think we're all looking for that. but for me, i needed to know if where i was and where i spent everyday pouring myself into was the right place, or was God calling me else where. and if He told me to stay, then He was going to have to change things. yes. i know. i put conditions on God. and fyi, my plan isn't His. it just doesn't work that way. He is calling me else where, but not in my physical location, but in my desires, my ability and my heart for the church. (this one is on-going, i'll write more later. promise)

3. i wanted to set aside some time here at the almost-beginning-of-the-year and just focus more on Him and deepen my relationship with my Saviour. what i found here (and really, i could write for days about this one) is that i have allowed the pressures of every day, and getting things done, and be this, and go there, and join that, and hey - do want to go out tonight, and give more and change that video here, and i'm not sure i like that font, and be apart of my family that i love dearly and they are my favorite people in the world and my best friends, and....take a deep breath....

well, in the midst of all that i allow to be pressures in my life and all the places i do choose to spend my time, i forget the One who releases the pressure, takes on the pressure, and set Him aside saying, "later, i'll find time for You later." and i found the my relationship with HIM has ceased. yes me. i have been functioning in my own strength, my own power and my own mind. duh. no wonder i'm so tired and scattered all the time. DUH! no wonder i forget what some one told me five minutes ago, and no wonder my art is lacking and no wonder my creativity is missing. i find all those things IN HIM. He gave them to me, and if i put Him aside and moved on without Him, how was He to continue to instill those things in me.

so along with #3, the Lord used lots of people to remind me how much HE missed me. like this one: You have ravished His heart and He spins wildly with delight when He thinks about you.

or when Austin writes worship songs on the living room floor.

or when Cristie is running projection and worships whole-heartedly, despite who's watching, what she's doing and who can hear. she worships Him.

or when Kylie sees me every time in the hallway or any where, she runs up to me yelling "sissy!". no matter whats going on around her, or what mood i'm in, or who she's with. i know she loves me. it reminds me of the Lord, and in this situation, of the prodigal son.

HE has missed my worship, He has missed my unashamed love and worship to Him, and He's missed me running into His arms.

my soul craveth Him.

4. {this one is something i wasn't looking for, but am abundantly blessed for its fruition}. i must be favored to have found the Campbells. for lots of reasons that blogspot doesn't have time and space for me to write about. but in this case, i'll tell you this. i gained a friend. my best friend in the whole wide world, the one i know i can trust with anything, the one i serve, the one i love, the one who knows me better than i know myself, and can read me like a book. the one who LOVES me unconditionally. the one i can tell anything to. the one who sits on the kitchen floor and eats cheesecake with me, and the one who cries with me.

i gained a best friend. its pretty cool to say. the kind you go to Claire's and buy bf necklaces with. yup, that kind. i love you Cristie Noel Campbell. may the Lord allow me to serve you all the days of my life. its an honor. i love you completely.

ok. that's all i have to say for now. the Lord is working and moving in me. my soul craves more of Him. so, that's where i'm heading, to be with Him.

peace and love.

ps - here's a photo i had the privilege to take of Austin. i'm so proud of you. i love you man of God.

Just for Brittany

so.....hi. it's been too long, way too long. i could give you a myriad of excuses but i'll save the bore and just start anew. what i learned is this - promising to blog every day is ridiculous. it won't happen. i want it to. i think of things to say through out the day and when it comes right down to it, i won't sit and share. sorry. i can't promise anything, and especially not this. it goes back to the whole let your yes be yes, and your no be no thing. i'm learning. it's important.

over the last few months i went through a time of deep inner privacy of digging. i was looking at the challenge of forgiveness and what it meant to have to forgive. some days it shut me down and others i dug into others to see what i might find. here's what i learned.

- forgiveness can be very difficult. not because it is, but because in my human selfish mind, i make it that way. hopefully the Father doesn't sit up in Heaven going, "i just don't know! i'm just not sure. what if they do it again?!" can you imagine if He did that like i do?!

- holding onto something is a lot more tiring than forgiving

- forgiving is cleansing

- forgiveness can't be taken back. i can not choose to forgive someone, and then the next day decide to un-forgive. imagine if Jesus did that to us.........YIKES

-forgiveness is a gift - and i can not be an indian-giver

- forgiveness is a command of the Lord.

- forgiveness is intimate. my digging forced me to search very deep, and think very hard about why i treated certain people in my life the way i did. and what exactly caused me to change my core of thinking and emotion in the very moment the wrong was done to me. i don't think anyone is aware of disconnect we can have with our very own mind and emotions, and the things we'll shove into the corners of our minds, and ignore the ugly mess. but the cleaning out promise is deep, and very necessary.

forgiveness and intimacy. two challenges. i'm working on them. fighting for them because i deserve both.

i'm headed down a different sort of path. seeking direction for my life and stirring up the desire to learn again. we'll see where we land and what we learn.

peace and love.